Friday, February 6, 2015

Dreaded February

I have trouble with my birthday and I have thought about why.  Every year, February rolls around and I get antsy.  As I have said I am not a fan of February but my birthday in particular really sets me on edge.  It is not because I am another year older or that I do not like the attention.  I think I have broken it down into two reasons.

First Reason:  I have had a lot of disappointment on my birthday.  Having a birthday in an area that tends to get snow in winter can be a blessing for some as they love snow and enjoy snow days.  For me, I hated snow because it was often bad enough that I had several bday plans postponed or canceled because of inclement weather.  I remember birthday mornings where I bounced out of bed excited for the plans we had made.  I look out my see three to five foot snow drifts.  I moved to Texas thinking 'Ha!  Come and get me here snow!'.  I had a couple of iced out days but as an adult, you have more abilities to celebrate the way you want than as a kid so it wasn't too bad.  After getting married, my expectations changed and I am not sure why they did.  I guess I expected my immediate family to do more.  My 40th birthday was more disappointing than any as a kid.  It fucking sucked.

Second Reason:  Employment.  Looking back over my resume, I have lost three jobs and changed jobs twice on that dreaded month.  I am getting shell shocked to the point where the month draws near and I start to freak out.  It is distressing to hate an entire month of the year.

I realize this is all in my head.  I have complete control on whether or not I want this to affect me.  Like thousands of other things in life, we have total control on how they affect us.  I am ready to drop this stress but it is hard when it is reinforced almost every year.

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